A Change of Heart
A Change of Heart
By Colleen Marie
Sweat ran down my arm like a stream in the middle of a desert. I tossed the last of the manure into the wheelbarrow before dumping it on the pile outside the barn door, the pungent scent burning my nostrils. The calluses on my palms throbbed as I re-tied my ponytail.
It was another summer morning on the farm, but this one was to be special. I was taking the lead in my first equine-assisted therapy session. For five years I trained for this, earning hundreds of hours towards my Equine Specialist in Mental Health and Learning (ESMHL) certification from the Professional Association of Therapeutic Horsemanship International (PATH). All unpaid hours, it was truly a work of the heart, one that some people could not understand.
“Waste of time,” one said to me. “You don’t get paid? Then why do it?” another would ask. Disbelief swam in their eyes bringing doubts into my heart. There were the days I would be so sore and exhausted that I would wonder if maybe they were right and if it wasn’t all a waste of time aftrerall.
Questions flooded my mind that fateful morning. I promised myself that if today wasn’t all I hoped and dreamed it would be, then it would be my last day. A lot was riding on this morning.
“Can you get Splash ready?” Mia asked when I entered the stable. Her petite statue at odds with the strength of her work. Her long blonde braid fell over her shoulder as she hoisted the water bucket up to a hook on the stall. “She’ll be here any minute.”
Mia was my mentor for years. She ran a small equine-assisted therapy program, and I felt a quick connection to her when I started volunteering. She told me that she was looking to add an ESMHL to her team and with positions extremely limited, I was working hard to earn that position. Completing my certification allowed me to lead my own unmounted mental health or learning session.
Equine psychotherapy refers to activities with horses that are conducted while being supervised by a mental health professional and an equine specialist. The sessions are designed to treat anxiety, ADHD, eating disorders, addiction, depression, and other mental health conditions while building confidence, self-awareness, and empathy (Psychology Today 2022). Being newly certified, I wanted to show her that I would be a good fit for this program. And I knew she was evaluating me that day.
“Bring Splash into the arena when you’re ready.” Mia shifted through session notes. “Ok, sounds good.” My voice trembled slightly on that last word.
Good. How many times had I thought about goodness recently. What I was trying to do
was bring more good into the world. People always looked confused when I told them what I was doing, the idea being foreign. But, it shouldn't be foreign because horses have been working
A Change of Heart Colleen Marie
alongside humans for centuries. It’s believed that horses are genetically attuned to humans’ emotions and nonverbal signals, and they respond accordingly.
While participating in equines-assisted sessions, the participant attempts to recognize how the horse’s behavior might be caused by their own emotional signals (Psychology Today 2022.) For example, a participant who is angry may see the horse walk away or act negatively. This process is called mirroring. The participant can see how his/her emptions and subsequent actions are displaying, and they can adapt in a nonjudgmental environment. This scenario promotes mindfulness and attention to the present moment. Ultimately this awareness is transferred to human relationships in a way that allows for more authentic connections.
It was my goal facilitate that connection in the session that day. Splash's ears alerted to the sound of a car door slamming. Following his gaze, I watched as a sixteen-year-old girl stomped down the hill, her arms crossed and a scowl on her thin face. Her mother hurried after her.
“This is stupid,” the girl yelled, kicking the arena gate. Her long, black hair blocking half her face.
Splash immediately trotted to the other side of the arena; tail held high. The girl narrowed her eyes at him and lifted her black military boot ready to strike again.
“Erica, stop it right now.”
At her mother’s words, a deep flush covered the girl's bony cheekbones. The silver stud in her nose shifting with each exhale.
“Go away." She spat out each word like there was a bad taste in her mouth—the words painfully deliberate.
A Change of Heart Colleen Marie
Her mother's expression took on a look of learned helplessness and my heart clenched for their broken relationship.
“Good morning,” Mia said with a bright smile, her eyes quickly assessing the situation. “So glad you were able to make it today, Erica.”
Erica shrugged. “She made me.”
Her mother silently counted to ten, each number forming on her moving lips. Mia and I exchanged a glance. My first day just reached a new level of difficulty, and I sent up a quick prayer for the strength and wisdom I needed to help this family.
While I worked with teenagers in the past, and was a part of sessions where the participant was difficult and even violent at times, there was something chilling about the intense internal anger that radiated from Erica’s whole body. We would be lucky to encourage Splash to take even one step in her direction, let alone establish any connection.
The key to a good equine-assisted session is having a partnership between the participant and the horse. The partnership is one that grows over time. The hardest start for any partnership is fear in the horse. A scared horse can be a dangerous horse, as horses will do anything for survival. When the survival instinct kicks in, it’s either fight or flight. Most horses will choose to run rather than to fight. The exception is for stallions, which are never included in equine- assisted activities, or when a horse feels trapped and there's no escape. I always made sure to provide plenty of room for the horse during sessions and kept a close eye out for any clues of stress.
I studied Splash in the far corner lightly dragging his front hoof in the dirt, creating a halo of dust around his legs. His ears were perked and rotated towards us. Not a good way to begin the session. As the ESMHL, it was my job to know how the horse was feeling and to be able to
A Change of Heart Colleen Marie
direct the session for the most positive outcome. Splash was displaying typical signs of anxiety and stress. Dread climbed its way into my throat, making it hard to breath. My first session was quickly becoming one of multiple red flags.
As Mia attempted to engage Erica in conversation, I racked my brain for a way to draw Mia’s attention to Splash and send her a clear message that things were not looking promising. I envisioned Erica's file and phrases like bipolar disorder, hospitalized, eating disorder, suspension, and in-home arrest jumped through my mind.
“Why’s he doing that?” Erica interrupted Mia, disdain dripping from each word. And suddenly, there was my opening and I didn't hesitate.
“Horses paw at the ground for different reasons, but often times it’s because they’re
stressed.”
She huffed and shook her head. “Horses get stressed out?”
“Absolutely. Horses also mirror our emotions. They are amazing at reading us, and they
reflect those emotions back to us.”
Erica narrowed her eyes at Splash. “What’s stressing him out now?”
I paused, thinking of the best way to answer. I wanted to be truthful without making her
feel like she did something wrong. So, I turned the question around instead. “Why do you think he might be stressed out?”
Her nose wrinkled. “Well, we’re the only people here, so it must be us.”
I gave her a moment to think about what she said, hoping something may click. “Probably her.” Erica nodded towards her mother. "She stresses everyone out.”
It wasn't what I was hoping for, but luckily her mother didn’t respond to the barb. “So, what? Do I have to brush him or something? Isn't that why I'm here?”
A Change of Heart Colleen Marie
“Grooming the horse is one of the steps in the program, but we’re not quite there yet,” Mia says. “I’m sure we'll get there soon, though.”
Her positivity seemed to irk Erica, and she pushed away from the gate and walked around the outside of the arena towards Splash. Fear hit me as I thought of all the possibilities of injury to both Erica and Splash. While our participants were always watched and cared for, the horses were too. Mia’s job was to focus on Erica, and mine was to focus on horse. There were times over the years where a horse was in danger from a participant and had to be removed from a session. It was the last thing I wanted to do on my first day, but I knew I had to make that decision if needed.
Mia and I caught up to Erica and walked on each side of her. We stopped her about fifteen feet away from Splash. He stood still and studied us, no doubt only staying so long because Mia and I were there too. I tried my best to maintain a calm and relaxed demeaner. Splash already trusted, and that could help initially with his relationship with Erica.
Only the sound of the birds calling overhead could be heard as Erica and Splash eyed each other. Splash’s muscles tensed and his front legs spread slightly. I though he was about to bolt, but then something changed. One of his ears curved towards Erica, and he huffed out one loud snort.
Erica laughed. “You’re as crazy as me.”
The smile transformed her face, and the glow of youth teased her sharp features. She took a couple steps toward him and leaned on the fence.
Mia went to follow, but I laid a hand on her arm. “Give ‘em a chance,” I whispered.
A Change of Heart Colleen Marie
And as if on cue, Splash’s neck muscles relaxed. He walked to the fence, head bobbing, and stopped just out of Erica's reach. Incredible progress but Splash left the next move up to Erica.
She understood and extended a hand. Splash reached to meet it, nuzzling her palm. Erica laughed—a full, belly laugh. “That tickles.”
Erica's mom covered her mouth with her hand as silent tears slid down her cheeks, and I
wondered when was the last time she heard her daughter laugh. Mia sent me a warm smile, pride in her eyes. And I knew that if I still wanted it, I had the position on her team.
Splash took the last couple of steps to the fence. He threw me a playful look, pure kindness and compassion in his amber eyes, melting away any of my remaining concerns. He understood—she needed him.
And at that moment I knew that I needed him, too. It wasn’t a passing lark or a hobby taking me away from my responsibilities. It was my calling. And from that day on, I never questioned my time at the farm again.
References
“Equine-Assisted Therapy.” Psychology Today, 25 May 2022, www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/equine-assisted-therapy.
“Therapeutic Horsemanship: Professional Certifications: Path Intl.” PATH International, 8 June 2022, pathintl.org/.